I may not have a ton of credentials, but one credential I do have is I am a grown up TCK, now raising my own little TCKs. 

When I look back on my growing up years, I remember international school and airports and hard goodbyes to dear friends and trying to answer the question “where are you from?” and seeing my extended family every other year. In my childhood in England we rode our bikes to school, even in the winter when our ride home fell at twilight. In my teenage years in Ethiopia, we took a chartered blue-and-white taxi van to school, dodging donkeys in the road, convincing our driver Berhanu to let us play our mixtapes through his sound system. And ultimately when I moved to the States for college, I couldn’t imagine living there long-term.

And now I live in Rwanda with my husband and two littles. And while I’m still fairly new to the parenting game (they’re only three and one), I’m now on the other side of things. At this point, general toddler issues take precedence over TCK-identity issues. Even so, I feel like I’ve already navigated things my counterparts who live in their home countries haven’t had to. 

Like explaining what the Muslim call to prayer is to my three-year-old, for example. Or spending a significant amount of time discussing with other moms where to go for medical care for our kids, because there is currently not a single trusted, go-to option where we live. Or having to travel to a different country for medical care for our toddler as there is no pediatric specialist in the country. Or even, on a lighter note, knowing the full run-down of what cafes have play areas for kids because there are no public playgrounds. 

I think holding these two experiences helps me keep a bigger picture in mind when I feel caught up in the overwhelm of raising TCKs, and I want to extend that “big picture mindset” to you. Being a TCK is hard. Being a parent of a TCK is hard. But you’re doing a good job and the kids are alright. 

If you’re in need of a bit more specific reassurance or guidance, consider this article a little pep talk. None of it is really groundbreaking, but my prayer is if you’re feeling caught up in the midst of the swirling uncertainty that can come with being a parent of a TCK, there might be at least one thing here for you to remind yourself of what you may already know, in order to move forward in encouragement.

(Of course, please accept all the disclaimers before this list. This is drawn from my personal experience and there are going to be kids and families facing very real issues that are much bigger than these simplistic statements. We see you, too.)

So here are five reassurances for parents of TCKs:

There will be a lack of some opportunities for your kids, but a surplus of others.

I didn’t have a lot of options for extracurriculars growing up. I didn't have the chance to take dance or play an instrument in a band. But you know what? I got to go on safari. I got to visit cathedrals and castles across Europe. For my senior class trip, we went to Egypt. You might be caught up right now in what your kid doesn’t have access to—but let’s step back and reorient our perspective around what they do have access to (and the killer college essays they’ll be able to write because of it!)

There is usually an opportunity to pivot. 

If things aren’t going as planned or working out as you hoped for your kid, there is probably a way to make a change, try something new, or do it a different way than you expected. I think this is huge in schooling options. My older sister, for example, ended up at a boarding school in a different country than we would have originally guessed she would have gone to, but had a great high school experience there. These days, the access we have through the internet makes smaller pivots even more possible. So if you feel like something isn’t working, even if you can’t change everything, try looking for one small way you could pivot to see if that helps your family.

A sounding board of people in the same situation as you is crucial.

Over the last few years, I’ve been a part of a small group of friends who meet together and pray together weekly. But honestly, one of the best gifts of that group is the support and wisdom we can offer each other as moms of young kids all navigating this cross-cultural life. Our WhatsApp group has fielded questions from “does anyone have any infant Tylenol I can borrow? Ours is expired!” to “which office do I need to go to to track down the local birth certificate for my baby?” to “does anyone have size 2T pants they can pass on?” and everything in between. It is a lifeline. 

If you are in a place where you don’t have people like this physically close to you, I’d encourage you to seek it out online. Good places to start might be the Taking Route Facebook group, or Velvet Ashes Connection Groups. Similarly, we know for our TCKs, they will find their strongest connections with other kids like them—so let’s help foster that! Again, if that doesn’t seem feasible in your location, utilizing the internet could be a good start for that, as well!

Use available resources to help your kids name their experiences.

This one is coming from my grown-up TCK perspective. I went from high school in Ethiopia to university in Virginia and had an incredibly difficult transition. It wasn’t until about four years later, when I was working in a TCK-care role, that I learned about grief as it relates to TCKs—how losing a place and a home and the person you were there is something to be grieved. Part of why my transition was so hard was because I didn’t know I was grieving my old life at the same time as I was trying to figure out a new one. When I was able to retroactively name that, it helped make sense of what I experienced.

There are lots of resources for TCKs out there. A great starting place would be two sites, both of which were created by ATCKs. The first one is TCK Training, Lauren Wells. It’s an invaluable source of posts, books, trainings, and workshops for TCKs, ATCKs, and the parents/caretakers of TCKs. The second resource is Marilyn Gardner’s site, Communicating Across Boundaries. Marilyn’s page is full of beautifully written posts, as well as links to two of the books she’s written. I would recommend taking time to learn about elements of TCK identity if you haven’t already, and then helping your kids name and understand some of the more challenging things they are going through.

Even if experiences were hard, it is very rare to find a grown-up TCK who does not see value in their experience. 

I wanted to be very careful in how I worded this one. I personally loved my experience growing up as a TCK. I loved being deeply known by the small community I was a part of. I loved the adventures I got to go on. I loved Ethiopia itself. And while of course there were challenges, I ultimately feel very positively about the way I was raised (as evidenced by the fact I’m out here raising my own kids that way!). However, I know that’s not true of everyone, and I want to hold space for those realities too. 

Yet even so, in my years of working with TCKs, I do think it is fair to say that almost all grown-up TCKs can see the benefits and value of growing up that way, even alongside the hard parts. Getting to experience a wide world is ultimately a gift, and I think (eventually, hopefully!) most of us come to recognize this truth.

Parents, this is hard work—and you are loving your kids well through it. I hope you take a moment to take stock of the good work you are already doing, and you can move forward in confidence in this unique and complicated and beautiful calling.