A Little Guidance from an Expat Upperclassman

My "freshman year" of living abroad was in Bogotá, Colombia. I say freshman year, because that’s what it felt like walking into the get-to-know-you coffee of an English-speaking expat group. Clusters of women filled the room, comfortable and confident, already knowing about the chaotic traffic, grocery deliveries and the impossibility of hailing a cab in the rain. We went around the room and introduced ourselves—there was a lawyer, a woman who ran an art gallery, one who built and ran a library at a low-tuition school. They all knew where they fit and had found purpose and I couldn’t even talk to the dog walker without him erupting into fits of laughter.

Now that I have a few years of expat life under my belt, there are a few words of wisdom I give others in their freshman year of life abroad: make mindfulness your friend.

Chances are you’ve been doing this without realizing it. For instance, you already know that it’s important to focus on listening to a friend or to pay attention to your body’s signals to avoid over-eating. That’s mindfulness — the simple the act of bringing your focus back to the present in whatever you’re feeling, doing, or moving through.

That first year I struggled with building a new life from scratch. After meeting those warm and incredible women I wish I can say that I jumped right in and got to work finding my place and purpose. Instead, I felt paralyzed. Compared to my expat upperclassmen, I lagged when it came to learning the language and finding my feet. They welcomed me with open arms, but instead I made excuses to stay home with Netflix or read. I was afraid to admit that I felt overwhelmed and more than a bit lost. I thought not having it all figured out meant that I would never figure it out.

Thankfully, I soon realized I couldn’t hibernate forever. Starting small, I told one gal I clicked with that I felt like a total mess, nothing like the grand visions of fluent Spanish and cafè hopping that I imagined when I first moved abroad.“Of course,” she said, “you just turned your life upside down! And by the way, I've been speaking English for twenty years and I still make mistakes!” She reminded me that we all process change at a different pace and not to be so hard on myself.

Bringing the focus back to how I was handling my transition helped keep my eyes on my own page, so to speak. Staying focused on your own experience helps you adapt to your unique challenges as well as to recognize your successes. Besides, we all know comparison never helped anyone.Mindfulness also draws you back to your life right now instead of daydreaming about the future — like when you finally find your place or when you get to take a trip back to your oh-so-magical home country. A few months after our move we had a return visit scheduled for my 30th birthday. Every time I felt a growing pain of transition, I used my upcoming trip as a pause button. Why go through the awkwardness of getting to know others around me when I could text my bestie in the U.S. and make plans for my visit?

Then there’s the little day-to-day stuff, like when a taxi driver told me I spoke terrible Spanish. So off I went, mentally strolling down the big aisles of Target and making an imaginary shopping list. My body was physically in Colombia but my mind was elsewhere. It took me awhile to realize that I needed to focus on building my home there. Expat life is one of extremes and in-betweens. When things are stressful—or too quiet—it’s easy for our internal dialogue to take over and spin our thoughts out of control.

Mindfulness helps you keep a handle on the transient aspect of life abroad, to take charge of the what-ifs and if-onlys. When you find yourself attempting to mentally escape from your present circumstances, choose instead to focus on the blessing and beauty in front of you, waiting for you to take notice.