Expat Motherhood—The Long View
Being a mom has been the greatest and the hardest thing I have ever done or have ever been. Motherhood is both a noun and a verb. It is an identity and a calling. I am a single mom and I have spent the majority of my adult life overseas raising my two children. Being a single mom is challenging enough but combine that state of being with life overseas and it is a recipe for some incredibly unique challenges which simultaneously inspire and expire a person.The following is an anonymous quote that aptly describes the mom experience. “Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test first and the lesson later.” All I can say is—never has a truer word been spoken. Those tests are tough and relentless and they keep coming. Do-overs are nonexistent. The goalposts keep moving when it comes to parenting. Just when you think you have figured out a certain stage in childhood development then comes the next one. And it is futile to believe that all the lessons learned with your first child will apply to your second child—because your second child is seemingly from a completely different gene pool altogether, or is the result of an alien invasion.
The Cross-Cultural Layer
Now add the cross-cultural layer on top of motherhood, which means endless negotiations between culture and parenting. For instance, my eldest was a towheaded toddler in a land where blondes were a rarity and babies were considered awesome. Strangers were constantly touching and exclaiming over my boy, but he loved the attention. However, his sister did not. She scowled at people who oooohed and aaaahed over her and complained loudly when they touched her. What’s a mom to do? The answer is easy. Make her child feel safe even if it makes for some awkward cultural encounters. Easier said than done, I know.
Childhood Memories
I asked my son, who is now a young adult, what were some of his top memories of living overseas. A variety of memories spilled out. His first stated memory was playing outside with matchbox cars with his friends in the sand in Zambia. They would do this all day and every day when they weren’t in school. Several memories involved squishing numerous bodies in very small spaces—like loading my car with 15 people and my car was built for five. Or driving with five people on a moto. The idea of space is definitely a culturally driven idea. He also remembered hitting a tuktuk while driving a moto because he was gawking at a pretty girl. He recounted watching me run as fast my legs could carry me because I was being chased by a hippo—thank you Zambia! One of his favorite memories was us frequently driving our motos out to Angkor Wat to watch the sunset. This barrage of very different memories immediately highlights the challenges and the blessings of raising kids overseas.
One of the great blessings of raising kids overseas (at least in the majority world) is that they get to remain kids longer than they would if they lived in the West. Conversely, some conversations are forced on you due to your cultural context, such as the ladyboy conversation. However, the harder issue for me was what do I do with my homeschooled highschooler who had very few limited social outlets? Truthfully, I didn’t navigate that one so well. My very easy-going boy became an angry, and somewhat resentful, seventeen-year-old boy/man and it took him a long minute to reconcile those emotions.
Childhood Development
A friend once reduced childhood development to a very peeled back and jaded viewpoint. He said that when kids are teenagers they figure out that their parents are schmucks and in their twenties, they come to realize that they, too, are schmucks. To soften such a cynical perspective, I would say they discover our humanity, as well as their own. It just happens in different decades. It is one of the reasons that an angry and resentful seventeen-year-old can become a much wiser and very loving twenty-four-year-old.
In talking with my kids, neither would exchange their life overseas for a childhood in the States. They both recognize the gift that they were given. However, make no mistake, it is a gift with its own set of thorns -- and they felt the sting. My daughter is now trying to adjust to life in the USA and, truthfully, it has been brutal. My son also had a very rough landing when he came to the USA when he was eighteen.
TCK Issues
I remember, vividly, my own hubris—thinking that we, as a family, had kicked butt when it came to the TCK issues and that we would be untouched by them. I had never been more mistaken! The fear, uncertainty, and umbrage came later. So, if you are thinking that you can overcome the TCK phenomenon—do not kid yourself. It is coming.
An Offering of Grace
I will offer what I always offer—and that is the idea of extending grace. Extend grace to yourself and to your kids. Extend grace to those who are looking from the outside in and judging your life and your decisions with no understanding of the life you have lived. We all make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. That is all we can do. We make mistakes. We get tired. We get grouchy. We become drained. We need a good cry. We need rest. We need someone to hear our heart. Sometimes, we miss the target. But, we are still good moms who show up daily and give it all that we've got.Younger moms—will you listen to your older sister? Will you listen to one who has had her share of victories and failures? Will you hear the voice of one who has at times cried herself to sleep worrying about her kids? Worrying if she made the right choice to follow God to the ends of the earth. You can do this and you will do it well by the grace of a great and loving God.
Give yourself grace. Let it be your mantra. Hard times will come—they always do in the parenting arena. Make no mistake the enemy seeks to devour our kids. But you will overcome in the end. I know it and He promises it.