Developing The Art of Adaptability
“I tend towards being a perfectionist. And perfectionism that says, "Give up if you can't get it exactly right"—is the worst personality for expat life.”
Although it’s unexpected—and far from ideal—I've seen some good coming from this time of distance learning for my kids, made necessary by COVID-19. They’re able to be more relaxed, and we have more time together. But recently I caught a concerning negative development. My three-year-old daughter now looks at her coloring pages and says, "I'm not good at drawing. I'm bad at this,” and then gives up. She hears this from her brothers.
My secret fear is that they learned this behavior from me.
It's an attitude I have to fight in myself daily (hourly?). When I’m frustrated with language learning, I think, I should quit. Commit an awkward social gaffe? I’m hopeless. Lose my temper with my kids—I’m bad at motherhood.
I try to hide that struggle, and I think for the most part I've been successful. But maybe I haven't been actively teaching them a growth mindset. It doesn't come naturally to me.
I tend towards being a perfectionist. And perfectionism that says, "Give up if you can't get it exactly right"—is the worst personality for expat life. Despite that natural inclination, I think I'm doing pretty well overall at the whole “living abroad” thing. I have a positive attitude (most of the time!) and I manage to overcome my nerves in new situations. But how would I explain to my kids how I get over that instinctive mindset? After considering the problem, I came up with some strategies and how they can apply to my kids’ lives, as well.
——————
I relax expectations. In Armenia, I chose to study Russian over Armenian, thinking that Russian is more widely spoken in other parts of the world. Most Armenians I met spoke both, however, I found myself using the Armenian I'd just "picked up" rather than the Russian I was actively studying. My expectations for myself with Armenian were low. I didn't expect myself to speak Armenian well, therefore I was much more relaxed when trying to use it. When I notice an improvement in something I was working towards, I could easily congratulate myself on it. I don't worry it'll go to my head—but I know it'll go to my attitude, and elevate it.
With the kids, this has translated into having relaxed expectations towards their academic achievements. Our school has recently changed grading for this quarantined grading period so that students will not feel the pressure to achieve a certain letter grade as they try to adjust to learning from home. Relaxing the standards has allowed the kids to simply learn, without the stress of grades.
I keep my assumptions about the way life “should look" open. Moving frequently doesn't allow for a static lifestyle. Things are always changing. You know how you get your baby's routine finally figured out, they grow a bit, and then you have to figure out a whole new schedule? That's the expat life. It presents new challenges and keeps you from getting too comfortable for too long. No one else is living the same life I am, and I can't compare my life to anyone else's.
My kids often feel frustrated when the project they've worked hard on doesn't look like the picture in the example. But they don't necessarily have all the same tools or experience as others, so their work will look different. And that isn't a bad thing. In fact, it can be really good!
I tell myself I like what I'm doing. Words have power. I use this trick when I get bogged down in the daily expat struggle: I tell myself I love living in Germany, and that I'm glad I'm here. I did this just today. As I said it, I immediately felt my spirits lift.
With my kids, the subjects they tell me they hate are the ones they also think they're “bad” at. We can debate which came first here, the chicken or the egg, but reshaping inward script can make a lot of difference in outward attitude and output.
——————
Adaptability is an art. It takes practice to develop. Some people may be born with more natural talent than others, but those who aren't—even us perfectionists—can learn to adapt. That's something I hope all my kids learn from me during this pandemic.
How do you keep your attitude positive in difficult situations? What phrases help you keep a good perspective? Do you have certain tips or “hacks” for developing an adaptable attitude?
